I know this should really be in the "Off Topic" section but I thought most of the readers of the technical section would appreciate this.
For those who have had the pleasure of using a Haynes manual for their car:
Haynes Manual Translation
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in Hell, matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: Thatll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40
(catering size), or a ten pound hammer.
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez! What was that, it nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be defined as lightly.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it aint broke, dont fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it aint broke... its about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Minis are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Mini spanners has got to be like a regular car two spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this
arent you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but dont expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special
tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, its going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, thats it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and you wont find it!
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the
spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isnt a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isnt moderate heat.
Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by
applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without the application of a puller (which you havent got) and a lot of swearing.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
